Saturday, June 25, 2016

Dysphoric and apathetic….

A couple definitions to begin this post….

Dysphoria:  a profound state of unease or dissatisfaction. In a psychiatric context, dysphoria may accompany depression, anxiety, or agitation.

Apathy:  lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern.

Or in my simple words…my give a shit attitude.   

I have been in a sort of dysphoric funk for a while now.  I would like to blame it on my falling and breaking my left leg on Christmas Day but I think it even started before that…way before that.  My brain has been on drugs for so many years now I was having issues knowing what was what most days.  I couldn't finish sentences, couldn't think of the words to put together and I think that was part of the reason I quit blogging.  I am not talking about narcotics either…drugs for leg cramps, drugs for fibro, drugs or this or that because another drug caused an issue!  When they started talking about putting me on drugs because another drug caused problems I decided that I was going to get off all my drugs that I could possibility do without.  I was having all sorts of issues…not good ones either.  I know you are probably saying that wasn't such a good idea but for me it was and I did it with medical supervision.  You can read about that in this post here.  I think it was a downhill slide from there to this apathy and dysphoria. I hurt all the time, I don't sleep well, foods don't taste right to me anymore!  I am a whiner!  I don't want to be that person!

I have made a lot of changes in my life since that post and I decided just today that I was going to start using my blogs again for what I intended them for in the first place…to help me organize myself and to help others get their lives organized.  

My life is different since I got myself weaned off Lyrica, Savella, Plaquinil, Requip and others.  I was on the fibro test drug for almost 4 months and started having all sorts of problems.  Blurred vision, weight gain, memory loss, angioedema, loss of appetite except for ice cream…and on and on.  I quit the program around the 2nd week of June and have been flaring ever since.  Drug withdrawal is not good with someone with my diagnoses.  Wish we could get marijuana for medical issues in Oklahoma…it seems to be the only thing that works…but I can't find any illegal either!  

Issues I am going to work on the next couple months include but are not limited to:
  1. I have been hurting a lot more even on the test drug (main reason I quit taking it…no decrease in pain).  I am going to start back on PT after the 4th of July.  It does help.  My gait is unsteady enough I am afraid to do too much walking even with my walker/cane.  That fractured leg wasn't much fun!
  2. My psychological depression, PTSD I am told, has been a problem.  Most of the fibro drugs while not antidepressants have that component in them.  I don't want to be drug dependent.  I have a talk therapist I see weekly helping me work through that.  
  3. My daughter moved to California and she was a big help with my physical and mental well being and it will be difficult to get past that.  I talk/text her most days so it isn't like she has dropped off the face of the earth.
  4. I renewed my nursing license this month…I had decided to let them lapse and became fairly morose over the loss.  They have been a part of me for so long it was like a death in the family…identity loss.  It only took studying and taking CEU's to get them back…that won't happen again. 
  5. I haven't been doing much crafting wise since before Christmas and the fall.  I think I am going to make myself sit at my desk and color in my coloring books and get back in the habit of doing something every day.  It is a great for improving my mood/attitude, helps distract me from the pain and problems.  
I am going to make a couple promises to myself...
I am going to try and be more positive.  Motivate myself to do stuff I like today instead of sitting around whining about not being able to do stuff.  I am going to set limits that are good for me not the rest of the world.  a rebirth…stay tuned!