Why am I doing it? I think I am going to start a self help/change in my life cause I am not liking where it is at or where it is going at this point. I have been married to the same man for the last 39 years and still love him dearly but I have found myself becoming increasingly more of an albatross to him and I don't want that. I need to change! I have to be able to live with the changes and want them for myself as much as I want them to make our relationship strong so I am not just going to change for him or the children. I am almost 62 years old and a lot I do depends on the "children" and how it will impact them...should have given that up a long time ago cause Chad is now 38 years old, married with 2 girlies and a new baby on the way. Heather is 35 years old and is happily married living nearby with her husband/partner of almost 10 years. Heather and Chad have picked up some of my old baggage and I hope that they will see it is possible to lay it down and have a happy life a lot earlier then I have.
What baggage am I talking about? Well I am not exactly sure on that topic myself but a lot of it stems around being a strong character (yes I am a character), a supporter, empath, and trying to do everything for everyone else to make their lives more livable to the point of forgetting myself. I am slowly awaking to who I am and what I want to be but the baggage has a tight hold on me. Some things I have identified that I need to work on are:
- I can't be what everyone thinks I am. I have to be who I am and it is a struggle trying to find that out. I think I am going to enlist the aide of a good psychologist to help me get a handle on that.
- I have an obsessive compulsive behavior disorder that is driving me nuts. I used to joke with my sister about her OCD but her hand washing and compulsion with with dirty coffee cups and silverware in restaurants is nothing compared to what I have going on. My current compulsion is gambling...I win I lose but it is becoming an issue in the hacienda! In the past it has been sex, drinking, smoking, overeating, overcharging on my cards etc. It has always been there and I think I am tired of dealing with it. I joined Gamblers Anonymous (GA) a couple years ago and did really well for a year until I ran into a friend at WalMart and went to the casino with them and it all came back...even worse! I went back to GA but I didn't like the political strife that was going on there. I am going to start back again tomorrow night cause I think if I don't get on top of this I will regret it.
- I have so many aches and pains each and every day it limits what I can and can't do physically. I think that I am going to find something that I am capable of doing that will get me out of the house and interacting with others. I find that my days are the same...I am bored. I have thought about getting a job as a door greater at WalMart (but I don't like WalMart!) or a similar job. I am going to be teaching more classes at Scrap That to help with this.
- On the aches and pains front...I have a doctor friend that is going to help me try and get on top of this pain issue that is more in to holistic healing then giving me another drug to take. Pam has studied various medical, osteopathic, and naturalistic approached to medicine and I hope she will be able to help me....now I just need to remember to give her a call to set up an appointment.